blue is the colour of the days i’m hoping for
sweetness, sweetness never suits me
when i get it up to take you home
maybe it’s love, love at first slightly drunk
now i’m walking with the sun in my mouth
worry, worry is a web
gonna let it fall tonight from where we stand
what can’t be decided
in the morning it will bring itself to you
i can see what’s coming
but I’m not saying it
So, it appears to have snowed rather a lot. I thought we were past that! I had to beat a strategic retreat from the pub last night to avoid the worst of it, but I’m back at home and, now that exams are over, there’s no reason to venture out into it. It’s nice to have a bit of a break, even if it is only until Monday.
It’s even nicer to have the exams over and done with. For the past few years, I’ve described January as a ‘write off’ of a month, as I do little with it but revise and sit exams. That’s a little bit untrue, as the past month hasn’t been without excitement. I’ve spent a lot of nice evenings in very good company. I’ve been surrounded by my dearest family, heaps of food, and lots of wine. I’ve caught up with an old friend. I’ve enjoyed a really satisfying game of FM (it’s been hard to keep away from it during the exam period.. ). I’ve been on a date. And I have learnt a lot of beautiful mathematics. But still, it’s been difficult to really relax with exams looming over everything. It’s good to have that behind me. I’m going to enjoy my free time over the next few days, but I’m really looking forward to lectures beginning again. That’s what it’s all about!
Everyone seems to be growing up so quickly. One of my housemates has found a full-time job in Sheffield (he’s taking a year out from university), and he’s getting up at 6 every morning and going to bed early. Everyone I grew up with has either graduated, or is graduating this summer. One of my closest friends from home just got engaged. I feel like all this should scare me, but I’m determined not to let it. Life is pretty exciting for me too, and I’m just going to take it at my own pace.
So, I finally have five minutes to myself. But I’m sitting an exam tomorrow, so it really is only five minutes, and all this post is to say is that I’m here, I’m alive, and I’m okay! I’m halfway through my exams, and my third is tomorrow. Commutative algebra on Monday was okay, but number theory went rather well this morning. Tomorrow is topology, which will be fine, and then I have representation theory a week today.
I have a lot to say, but I think by the time I’ve got the chance to sit down and write it, it won’t be worth saying any more. So we’ll just go with “I’m really very good,” and see where I am once exams are over and I can drop for a moment.
There’s a rather fun interview with my project supervisor here (the interview itself starts about thirty seconds in) in which she talks about how, as you take mathematics further and further, you find yourself wanting to specialise more and more, and everything that’s not your area of interest suddenly becomes a real drag. Having spent the last few days revising for the number theory course I’m taking, I can really relate to this. It’s not that I don’t find it interesting, just that it’s not exactly to my mathematical tastes. It’s coming, and I will be fine in the exam, but it’s such an effort to get into it when you’d rather be doing reading for one of the algebra courses.
It’s coming along okay, though. For me, revising is (laboured metaphor alert!) riding a bike up a hill. It’s bloody hard work, and there seems to be no end – but once you hit the top, well, you’re coasting. There’s always been that moment for me that everything clicks, the last 15 weeks all make sense, and you can just sort of freewheel from there. There’s no light switch, though, and no magic formula to get to that point. Just lots of work. Every day seems to begin in medias res, and when I knock off for the evening there’s no sense of closure – it’s just wake up, pick up where I left off, and then, umh, leave off. I have faith that when the exams start, I’ll be in the right place – just getting there can be a bit of an effort.
(You’re something else. For goodness sake, sort out your grammar and your punctuation and I am there.)
i looked out the window
and i stuck my head out the door
and the snow was melting so slow
and the sky was light, but so gray
We’re one hour into the new decade, and I have the shipping forecast in one ear and Dizzee Rascal in the other. In one hand I hold a glass of champagne, and in the other I have a can of Fosters. I’m wearing a suit. We just burnt down our tree.
I think this is all a pretty good summary of the last year, if not the last ten years. But here we go. 2010. This is going to be the big one. Come on.
It always seems rather artificial to review the year at the end of December, but then again, it always seems to fit. Looking back, each year seems to have its own distinct tone and character, and there’s something extremely appealing about the chance to take account of the year and then make a fresh start come January 1st. Of course, every day is the start of a new year (here we define year as a 364-and-a-quarter day long period), and there’s always a chance to make a fresh start, but there’s something about the start of the year that really gives you some resolve. 01-01 is nice and clean and unblemished, and you sort of want to keep it that way.
2008 was a big, loud year. A lot happened and, over the course of the year, a lot changed. 2009 has been quieter. In a lot of ways, not much has changed: at the end of 2008, I was progressing steadily through my degree and fairly enjoying life. A year later, things are much the same. I think the big difference between then and now is how much older I feel. I think I’ve done a lot of growing up and learnt a lot of lessons, especially since the summer. I’ve been having a great time in Sheffield this last semester, and I think one of the reasons why is that I’ve been opening myself up to new experiences. I’m making a bit of an effort to do things I wouldn’t have done before, and to try new things out. Too much of this can lead to a bit of an identity crisis, and of course, when you try unexpected things you’re going to inevitably end up in uncomfortable situations, but so far I think it’s going okay.
It’s even sillier to do this by the decade, but the start of a new decade is also an irresistable. I can’t remember where I was at the start of last decade. I’m not quite sure I’m in the right place at the start of the next one. But there are ten years in which to make sure I’m exactly where I want to be come 2020. That is the plan.
Have a cracking new year, all of you. But especially the three people who checked my blog on Christmas Day. You guys are legendary.
I love Christmas. I’m not sure what it is about Christmas Day, but I find that for 24 fantastic hours you can just forget about everything and enjoy the company of your family. There’s nothing niggling at you in the back of your mind, and all your worries that seem so important and unescapable throughout the year seem to fade away.
The run up to Christmas, however, seems to get less and less exciting every year. I remember when every day in December was beyond exciting, and now it’s hard to get too excited, even on Christmas Eve (although perhaps spending most of the day revising has something to do with that). Still, I’ve finished work for the day – the next three days, in fact – and am off to carols shortly, followed by drinks with friends and then, tomorrow, family. When you’re young, Christmas is exciting because wow, you get a pile of stuff all at once, but as you get older, Christmas remains exciting, but now because it allows you to spend lots and lots of time with people you love.
Everyone: Happy Christmas.
…and stop.
Been back in ‘da Sham’ for about an hour now; long enough that it’s okay to disappear to my room and, umh, ‘unpack’. It’s very nice to be back; the house is warm and cosy in a way Mona Road isn’t, and the halls are decked up something proper. Am feeling relaxed and really rather Christmassy. There’s lots of work to do between now and the New Year, but that can start tomorrow – for tonight, it’s time to enjoy being back.
Of course, that’s not to say I don’t miss Sheffield. I do, and I think by the end of the holiday, I’ll be missing it dearly. It’s been a long, strange semester. I’ve had some great times, and done some really stupid stuff, but this side of it all I feel that I’ve learnt a lot about myself. So yes, it’s been strange – and at times, very unexpected – but perhaps the best semester yet. The next few months have a lot to live up to.
Have barely been back five minutes, and am going out in, oh, about an hour. This alway seems to happen, but I don’t mind – I like to keep busy. Allons-y!
I don’t have a terrible lot to say. Lectures finished on Friday, and I took my final tutorial class yesterday, but there’s still two weeks until my dissertation deadline, so I’m still hard at work here in Sheffield (okay, work and attending Christmas parties. I need some form of distraction!).
Things are going well, though – all semester I’ve been wishing I had uninterrupted time to sit down and think about my project, and it’s really really useful. Am having daily epiphanies where I suddenly understand everything. I live for these; I think the thing I most enjoy about Christmas is the chance to really start understanding some of the courses I’ve taken this semester. It’s an addictive feeling, that moment of pure clarity when you finally get something. Of course, that moment fades and five minutes later you’re not entirely sure you’ve really got it, so you read it through again, and eventually you find yourself understanding it.
Last week was long, tiring, and bordered on the surreal at times. But the important thing is that I made it through. Am looking forward to Christmas – friends, family, and the time and space to do some real study – but again, am feeling rather sad about the prospect of leaving Sheffield, if even only for a few weeks. Which, when you think about it, is really quite a nice position to be in – between two places where I really feel at home.
So yes, not much to say, but man most certainly alive.
